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Village Green Preservation Society
A meeting with the Exmoor Militia turns into a chase across some quintessentially British countryside Cast * Amelia Spens * Louise Bailey * Ian Golightly * Kytan * Sam Yao * Jules * Oscar Plot Best Chance Of Safety A Laundry contact drops you, Amelia and Louise as close as possible to Exmoor Militia territory, but due to their fearsome reputation you're on your own from there. Down Dingley Dell, Is It? On the way to the rendezvous point you have time to listen in to Ian, who's continuing his descent into full-on dictator. Louise thinks that's reason enough to work with the Exmoor Militia. Get In The Carrier Your contact is a little unexpected for a militia member; a woman with her young child, Oscar. As you've been followed by Sigrid's soldiers you'll just have to trust they are who they say they are. Little Crumbling Pathway Your Exmoor Militia contact, Jules, mentions they don't know why Sigrid's soldiers have started attacking them. Amelia suggests pushing some standing stones onto them, to Jules' horror. You'll take the coastal path instead. Three-Thousand Year Old Seat Several soldiers fall into the sea chasing you along the coastal path. Jules gives a brief history of the Exmoor Militia and Amelia feigns ignorance about who could be impersonating them. Up This Shale Cliff In the picturesque Valley of the Rocks, Amelia and Louise realise the soldiers will see you once they reach a pontoon on the river. Jules seems unconcerned but suggests you hurry up a nearby shale cliff. Going To Be A... Challenge The soldiers train their guns on you but Jules remains calm and directs Oscar to unhook what turns out to be the pontoon's only mooring. With the soldiers swept away Jules now feels she can trust you. To enter an alliance you'll need to retrieve a box from Brackenridge Oates Hall. S05E25 // Rofflenet Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet Transcript door opens LAUNDRY CONTACT: This is your stop. AMELIA SPENS: What, this? But this is the middle of nowhere. LAUNDRY CONTACT: The Laundry can only take you this far. LOUISE BAILEY: It’s good enough. Edge of Exmoor Militia territory, Amelia. What more do you want? AMELIA SPENS: Somewhere a bit less muddy would be a good start. Still, I suppose we could help each other clean up later, Louise. Communal washing is a good way to - LOUISE BAILEY: Mm, nah. You’re all right. I’d rather stay grubby. AMELIA SPENS: Oh, well, if that’s what you’re into, I could be into it, too. SAM YAO: Right! Amelia and the Laundry have managed to arrange this parley with the Exmoor Militia. Now, we don’t know what we’re going into. What we do know: they’re reputedly the toughest, most battle-hardened force in England. They protect what’s theirs fanatically. They stamp out any threat at once. Everyone with their head screwed on is terrified of them. LOUISE BAILEY: And we’ve been disguising ourselves as Exmoor Militia while attacking Sigrid, which is not feeling too clever right now. AMELIA SPENS: Well, they don’t know that was us, and they think I’m your leader, which I might as well be. Did you hear she never found my hidden laundry chute? sighs Oh, it is a shame we have to run. These shoes go perfectly with this outfit. Still, needs must. I’ll slum it in YSL trainers for now. Come on. Our rendezvous is past that tor into Exmoor Militia territory. Follow me. Run! SAM YAO: Five, Janine says, “Pretending Miss Spens is our leader – though disagreeable – is our best chance of safety,” so yeah. Also, as you’re outside Exmoor Militia territory, there are some zombie ramblers, so you know, run. AMELIA SPENS: Sam, perhaps it’s time to be honest. Are we lost? SAM YAO: No. No, you’re not, actually. It’s just sighs well, they’ve given us weird directions. They seem to want us not to run over some bits of preserved lichen. Anyway, just keep on that road. Gives me a chance to play you something I picked up from the bug in Ian’s office. Yeah, listen to this. beeps, knock on the door IAN GOLIGHTLY: Who is that? I’ve been very clear about what happens to people who disturb me when my Do Not Disturb sign is on the door! Very clear! KYTAN: Ian. It’s me. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Kytan! Of course, yes. Come in, come in! opens Would you like a biscuit? KYTAN: No. I… Cameo’s been put back in the cells. Why is Cameo in the cells? Ian, you promised. IAN GOLIGHTLY: Oh, Kytan, Kytan, Kytan. KYTAN: You promised! IAN GOLIGHTLY: Circumstances changed, Kytan. You can’t hold a man to a promise he’s made under different circumstances. KYTAN: Can’t you? IAN GOLIGHTLY: Of course not. Cameo was free while there was nothing she could do to mess things up at Abel for me. She’s a very messy person, Kytan. She’s an irritant, an infection. And you know what we do with infectious people, don’t you? Kytan, what do we do with infectious people? KYTAN: We treat them. IAN GOLIGHTLY: We quarantine them. That’s what I’m doing with Cameo. I’m quarantining a virulent infection. KYTAN: She isn’t virulent. IAN GOLIGHTLY: She’s a traitor, Kytan. I’ve let her live because I know you care about her, and your happiness is important to me. You’re important to me. But the Minister suspects that someone here has been sabotaging the excavation of the underground base. You know how vital that is. I can’t afford to have anyone mess that up for me. hand on desk Especially not a filthy traitor like her! Do you understand? KYTAN: Yes, I… yes. Sorry… IAN GOLIGHTLY: Good. Then take a biscuit on your way out. Keep up your energy. KYTAN: Thanks. Thank you. closes IAN GOLIGHTLY: Oh yes, he sounds very sincere. He sounds like such an innocent, but does he really mean it? Or is he plotting against Ian, just like everyone else? beeps SAM YAO: So, on the one hand, they still haven’t managed to excavate the underground base, and on the other hand, Ian’s still mad as a box of frogs. Poor Kytan. He was never very good at knowing who to trust. sighs I really need to have a word with him. LOUISE BAILEY: All the more reason to get these Exmoor Militia people on our side, right? Down Dingley Dell, is it? Five, let’s run. JULES: Hi! Hello. Over here. Oh, Oscar, do stop doing that. The slug doesn’t like it. Don’t make that face at Mummy, Oscar. Slugs don’t like that, I’m afraid. People don’t like it either, come to that. Sorry. Let me just wipe my hands off. Oscar and I had a good time splashing in the stream while we waited for you, and now we’re rather muddy, aren’t we, Oscar? AMELIA SPENS: Um, I think we might have got turned around. Maybe you could help us. We’re looking for Cliff Tor. JULES: That’s here. LOUISE BAILEY: And we’re looking for a contact from the Exmoor Militia - the toughest, most hard-bitten military force in England - for a parley, aiming to set up a mutually beneficial agreement. JULES: Yes, that’s me. I’m from the Exmoor Militia. Oscar, did you take Mummy’s Alice band and throw it in the stream? Well, that was very naughty, wasn’t it? What would Daddy say about that? gunshots Soldiers are coming. SAM YAO: Bloody hell. Daddy sounds a bit stern. LOUISE BAILEY: It’s Sigrid’s soldiers. They must have followed us when we crossed into Exmoor territory. JULES: Come on. We have to go. Come on Oscar, get in the carrier. Quickly, everyone. Run! gunshots JULES: Bad luck about these soldiers. We’re not losing them. It’s peculiar, you know. Since the outbreak, the Minister’s mostly left us to our own devices. We run a tight ship down here, and she hasn’t interfered. And then just in the past few months, she’s been acting as if we’ve started a war with her. LOUISE BAILEY: Yeah, that is weird. Maybe she was just after an excuse to muscle in on your manor. Daft while she’s got this election coming up. But then, she’s always been a bit of a mystery, hasn’t she? AMELIA SPENS: Yes, a total mystery. Like UFOs or the Bermuda Triangle. Jules, wonderful view from the top of this tor. I notice that there are large rocks rather precariously balanced up here. I imagine you brought us here so that we could push them down onto these soldiers, which I must say is a very clever move, and just the sort of idea we’d be hoping to get out of an alliance with the Exmoor Militia. JULES: What are you talking about? These are ancient standing stones! There’s a protection order on them. AMELIA SPENS: laughs Well, yes, but not anymore. JULES: That’s not how we live. Follow me. We’ll take the chain link walk along the coast. Come on, Oscar. You like the chain walk, don’t you? Yes, you do. Well, you did last time. SAM YAO: Oh my God. Well, that’s just a thin little crumbling pathway over the ocean. Well, I suppose at least the soldiers won’t be able to sneak up on you. Go, run! LOUISE BAILEY: Bloody hell, that was amazing. The sea was so rough, those waves looked like they were trying to reach up and grab us! And that path! I’ve walked on tightropes with firmer footing. I mean, I haven’t actually. I never took those circus skills classes in the nick, but you get the idea. AMELIA SPENS: Not really. The only compensation is that Sigrid’s soldiers are faring even worse than us. Two of them have plunged into the sea already. shouts, splashes There goes another one. They do make a big splash when they land. Are there sharks out there, Jules? Sharp rocks, something to stop them swimming to shore? JULES: The current’s very strong here, and we have razor wire along the coast to stop zombies walking in from the sea. AMELIA SPENS: Clever, protective, and elegant. Ooh, I do like how you have yourselves organized. What were you, some kind of Outward Bound group originally? JULES: Women’s Institute, mostly. LOUISE BAILEY: Ah, that makes sense. We had one of those inside for fraud when I was at Holloway. They’re very well-organized ladies, the WI. JULES: We were a core group of WI members in this area who met up regularly because our husbands worked together. We were able to mobilize swiftly after the outbreak. At first, we secured our own villages, then we pushed our fencing out further and further, clearing more land of zombies. We cover almost three counties now, without any trouble until the Minister started taking an interest. LOUISE BAILEY: Yeah, you said. Pain in the ass. JULES: Actually, we think someone’s been setting us up, using our uniforms to make raids against her. AMELIA SPENS: But who would be so pig-headedly stupid, so wedded to their ideas of right and wrong, so absurdly foolhardy, as to tangle with both you and the Minister? JULES: We don’t know, but when we find out… well. I think we’ll have some choice words for them, won’t we, Oscar? Maybe more than words. Come on. End of the cliff path is over there. Let’s head up through the Valley of the Rocks. LOUISE BAILEY: Wow. That is very definitely picturesque. The valley, the ocean. Feels like a watercolor by Thomas Girtin. But you could have come up with a better name for it, couldn’t you? Valley of the Rocks? JULES: That’s the historic name for the region. LOUISE BAILEY: Uh, right. Come on, Five. Race you to that three thousand-year-old stone seat. AMELIA SPENS: I admit it is rather lovely, though I’d rather be looking at it from a golf cart, to be honest. JULES: Are you going to suggest to me that we blow it up? Because it’s a World Heritage site! AMELIA SPENS: Oh, no. That’d be silly. Blowing this up would clearly cause a rock slide that would kill us. And also because we respect your way of life and so on. LOUISE BAILEY: But we’ve all noticed that when they get to that pontoon on the river, Sigrid’s soldiers are going to have a clear view of us. We have all noticed that, right? JULES: Oh, yes. AMELIA SPENS: This is just a suggestion, but I’m wondering, Jules, how would I get a protection order put on me? Because maybe that would make you take my safety seriously. JULES: We’ve got to pick up the pace. Come on, Oscar. Take Mummy’s hand and run up this shale cliff with me. Fast as we can! LOUISE BAILEY: Right. So, just to recap the situation, Jules, because I like to keep stuff straight in my mind: we’re on a high hill here. JULES: A tor. AMELIA SPENS: I think what my colleague is trying to say, Jules, is that we’re sitting ducks, and Sigrid’s soldiers on that pontoon in the river are directly positioned as if it was designed for them to have perfect line of sight. LOUISE BAILEY: And yeah, they definitely are setting up their guns. And there’s no cover here at all. JULES: Oscar, sweetie, you know what to do, darling, don’t you? Yes, that’s right. Just crawl under this overhang for Mummy. AMELIA SPENS: Nice as it is to feel that you’re going to keep your child safe… JULES: That’s it. Go right inside there and unhook that silly thing sticking out there. Yes, pull it right out of the wall. No, it’s not naughty. Now, throw it down into the valley! Oh, good boy! That was a lovely big throw. Come here. I think… yes! I think I’ve got an apple for you. Oscar, you like apples. LOUISE BAILEY: Blimey. That pontoon. That was its mooring. AMELIA SPENS: It was only anchored up here by one fine fishing line thread, and now it’s untethered, it’s being swept out to sea. LOUISE BAILEY: Bloody hell! That current is strong. JULES: With all the Minister’s soldiers on it, yes. Oscar, if you don’t want an apple, you’ll have to finish the raisins from before. Amelia, Louise, Five, the three of you have proved to my satisfaction that you can follow orders and not be a liability. LOUISE BAILEY: Um, thanks. JULES: But we have some further requests before we can enter into a formal alliance. I’ll need to discuss them with your leader. AMELIA SPENS: Oh, that’s all right. I am the leader. JULES: Not the leader of this mission, laughs the leader of your organization. AMELIA SPENS: Yes, that’s me. JULES: Um… all right. Well, there’s something we need your help with. LOUISE BAILEY: Doesn’t look like you need much help with anything, to be honest. JULES: Just one thing. A box. It has sentimental value for some people in our group. We want you to retrieve it for us. LOUISE BAILEY: Why us? You all seem pretty bloody capable. JULES: We’ve done our homework. You’re uniquely qualified, Louise. The box we’re looking for is held at Brackenridge Oates Hall. LOUISE BAILEY: Oh, right. Bloody hell. That’s going to be a challenge. Did I say challenge? I meant impossible.Category:Mission Category:Season Five